Friday, April 3, 2009

Control

The decision to use donor eggs hasn't come to me easily. After our IVF failed and we were told it was pretty much our only hope, I decided that I really didn't want to make a decision. That having to make a decision was making me crazy and depressed. The husband said he'd do whatever I wanted to do, I knew I was ok with using Donor Eggs, but I was trying to decide whether I wanted to try just one more time with my eggs. I decided that I did not. It wouldn't be worth the time, the tears, the heartache of failing. The reality that my body doesn't do what it should hasn't been easy, but it is my reality and I'm dealing with it the only way I can right now. I'm angry, and I want control in a situation where I have none.

But I still need control. I decided before I even made a decision that whatever we were going to do I wanted to wait until after the summer, after our vacations, I don't know why this makes me feel better but it does, its probably because it's the only thing I have control of. The husband now does not want to wait he wants to start. ASAP.

How do I explain to him that I feel like i've given up so much already. We have done everything we should have done, and we did it right, and we still failed. How can I make him understand that the decision to NOT start right now, is my futile attempt at hanging on to some sort of control over this situation. That once we start the process I'm relying on another woman to do everything right. That I will have to just trust that everyone is doing what they should. I'm tired, and i'm scared of what will happen and it's frustrating.

4 comments:

Deathstar said...

He's probably thinking that you'll change your mind later or maybe he will. You have to respect how he feels, once some guys have their eye on the prize, they want to stay on track. However, I know exactly how you feel. Please talk to him about how you feel. I'm sure he doesn't understand that it may take you a while to make the shift from using your own eggs to someone else's.

annacyclopedia said...

I just came over from the LFCA to offer support in any way I can. We had to go through the decision to pursue donor sperm, and while I completely appreciate that it's a different experience in many ways, the way you talk about your anger at the loss of control just brings me right back to when we were wrestling with that decision. All I can say is that it is ok to feel angry and upset at how little control you have over this whole situation, and that it is ok to take the time you need to work through that before moving forward with treatment. In my case, we were forced to wait because of time it took to get referred to the right doctors - at the time, I hated it, but looking back it was exactly what I needed. It is a HUGE thing to come to terms with and it requires a lot of time and a lot of energy. It is not something you can just push through like a running cramp.

Thinking thoughts of peace and healing for you, and hoping that your husband is able to accept that taking this time really is best for everyone involved.

Lisa said...

I just don't think that our husbands are capable of understanding because there is so much more that goes into what we're dealing with. The decision to move to DE is incredibly frought with emotions and took me a very long time to reach. You cannot move on until you are ready. I struggled so greatly and then, when I new, well, I just knew!

Best of luck to you!

Jaymee said...

redefining your dream is so hard. giving up all the control is even harder. give yourself time, it is only going to make it that much harder if you are not prepared to make this leap. enjoy the time with your husband. choosing an egg donor is a difficult process, there are so many things to consider and then there is the creepiness factor. if you ever need to talk please feel free to email me. jaymeegiddings@gmail.com