Friday, April 3, 2009

Control

The decision to use donor eggs hasn't come to me easily. After our IVF failed and we were told it was pretty much our only hope, I decided that I really didn't want to make a decision. That having to make a decision was making me crazy and depressed. The husband said he'd do whatever I wanted to do, I knew I was ok with using Donor Eggs, but I was trying to decide whether I wanted to try just one more time with my eggs. I decided that I did not. It wouldn't be worth the time, the tears, the heartache of failing. The reality that my body doesn't do what it should hasn't been easy, but it is my reality and I'm dealing with it the only way I can right now. I'm angry, and I want control in a situation where I have none.

But I still need control. I decided before I even made a decision that whatever we were going to do I wanted to wait until after the summer, after our vacations, I don't know why this makes me feel better but it does, its probably because it's the only thing I have control of. The husband now does not want to wait he wants to start. ASAP.

How do I explain to him that I feel like i've given up so much already. We have done everything we should have done, and we did it right, and we still failed. How can I make him understand that the decision to NOT start right now, is my futile attempt at hanging on to some sort of control over this situation. That once we start the process I'm relying on another woman to do everything right. That I will have to just trust that everyone is doing what they should. I'm tired, and i'm scared of what will happen and it's frustrating.