Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Good days, and Bad days.

Im feeling kind of blah. I am utterly exhausted, and have been for the last couple of days. Not sure why, I think I just need a vacation!

So i think i'm having a couple of bad days, not really bad. Just off. We went to our neices bday party and I just felt so out of place. All the kids just confirm for me that it IS what I want, and just remind me of how long it will be before I get there, how long it's already been. Next bday will be the other neice, she'll be 1. Already. That will be tough. No matter how much I think i'm ok with this whole thing. It will be hard to keep a smile on my face. Just knowing that I've been trying since before her mom got pregnant with her and now she's 1 will be difficult.

Sometimes the passage of time is just a horrible reminder.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Decision? Made.

We're holding off on ANYTHING. Indefinitely.

I HATE that it's come to this. But it's what I want right now, hell its what I NEED right now.

I know deep down that trying again with my eggs won't work. That it won't be worth the shots and the meds, and the cost. That it will only lead to more heartache.

But im not ready to make a decision about getting a Donor. I don't know when I will be. So that means this babymaking business goes on hold. We don't have the money for it right now anyways, but I swear I didn't let that play into my decision at all.

I've been so focused on trying to have a baby for the last 2 years, that I've forgotten everything else that I am. There are so many things that I want to do, and so many things I can fill my life with. I just have to pull the motivation from somewhere to do them all.

Exercise-I want to lose at least 30 pounds, I want to wear a bikini again!
Organize our photos
Take more pictures
Take a cake decorating class
Be more creative, paint and write

Thats all on my agenda now. I have a good life, and i'm not going to let it waste away and be miserable thinking about the one thing that I don't have.

Friday, February 6, 2009

I think I've made a decision.

I think I know what I want.
I know that what im thinking won't be easy, but It's something that I feel pretty good about for right now.

It makes me want to cry, and it kind of makes me feel like im giving up.

But I think it'll be better in the long run.

Now I just have to tell Pat.