Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I just had to resist the urge to run away

A coworker just brought her adorable almost year old son in to work to show off.

I almost ran into the bathroom to hide.

I was able to resist. I can't constantly run away from things that make me hurt.

Thankfully I was on the phone when she came by my desk so all I had to do was smile and wave. I can do that much.

For some reason, today is hard.

I didn't want to start this year full of doubt and pain. But here I am. Maybe this is my lot in life. I'm so confused, and for the first time in a long time, I just don't know what I want anymore.

I'm beginning to question if it can possibly be worth this torture. If it's worth all the tears and sadness. I wonder if you CAN'T have children maybe that's a sign that you SHOULDN'T have children. It makes me sad to know that whatever I decide Patrick will go along with. I feel like i'm responsible for his happiness or misery.

Happy Fuckin New Year.

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