So Saturday it just so happened that I was in a fabulous mood, ALL day. That sure hasn't happened in a while.
Friday night was spent playing BINGO and wasting some money in the slot machines with my mom and a family friend, It was a girls night, or better yet a womans night. Since it was multi generational. I don't think any of us can get away with calling ourselves girls anymore.
Saturday I woke up just refreshed, it's hard to describe, just a feeling of calm. And it felt really good, that despite all of the confusion and frustration and indecision in my life right now, I just feel content. I guess i'm learning to accept what life has given me, even if i'm unsure of how it will all work out. I know that was just 1 good day in a sea of many many many bad days left to come, but if I can figure out my state of mind that made me feel ok maybe I can duplicate it more often.
Since I was in such a good mood, Pat and I went to dinner. To possibly the worst Outback ever. We had to wait an hour, we would have left and gone somewhere else but we had a gift card, and we can't pass up a free meal! We just sat and waited and talked. Finally we got a table, our waitress came over, Pat ordered a beer and I ordered a glass of wine. We tried to space everything out so our food wouldn't come out with the salads ( I hate that!) and it worked, I just pretended like I couldn't figure what I wanted to eat. I was almost done with my main course before I noticed that our waitress was pregnant. I know this doesn't seem like a huge deal. But my pregnant lady radar is on high alert these days, and I didn't even notice. ( She was waiting on the table next to us and I overheard them say something to her and she pulled her shirt a little tighter, I guess she knew them) So I said to Pat, "Wow I must really be in a good mood today, cause I didn't even notice she's pregnant". It felt good not to automatically hate her on sight, or feel jealous, or angry. I even tipped her extra good, cause she was really nice.
My good mood continued into the next day, not quite as strong but I still feel good. Pat and I went to the movies to see Marley and Me. And oh my god. It is quite possibly the saddest movie i've ever seen. I was sobbing at some points in the movie, and then laughing and then sobbing again. I loved it, I think it will become one of my go to movies, the one I can watch every single time it's on Tv.
I did do some reading in my books on donor conception that I got, and I still feel the need to find out more, more about how these kids feel when they grow up, because I know that one day my child will grow up and have to deal with/face decisions i've made. And I know that whatever decision I make it will be made with the purest of intentions, It's just hard to make a decision that WILL in some way affect the life of someone else, someone else who didn't get a choice.
I feel like im at the beginning of sorting all this out. Figuring out how I really feel about this. About giving up on a biological child. Just saying that is hard. And no matter how bad I ache to grow a child inside me, no matter how much I want to hold our baby in my arms, and watch my husband with our child. I need to know that the choice I make is one that is the best for everyone. I just don't have the answer yet, I feel like it will come to me in a moment of clarity, and all of a sudden it'll be like i've been sitting in a dark room and someone finally turned on the light.
The only thing I am sure of right at this moment is that I am a lucky woman. And I have alot of good in my life. Family and friends that will support me in whatever decision I choose.
And a husband who is my entire world. He loves me entirely. No matter what. And if it's just me and him forever and ever. I know that would be enough.