Thursday, January 29, 2009

I just want 1!!!!

Octu.ple.ts Mom Has 6 Ot.her Kids
Acquaintance Tells CBS News She Also Has 4 Boys, 2 Girls; 2 Of The Others Are Twins

The news makes me nuts, This woman has 14 children!
I just hope she can take care of them all.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Good moods....weekend recap

So Saturday it just so happened that I was in a fabulous mood, ALL day. That sure hasn't happened in a while.
Friday night was spent playing BINGO and wasting some money in the slot machines with my mom and a family friend, It was a girls night, or better yet a womans night. Since it was multi generational. I don't think any of us can get away with calling ourselves girls anymore.

Saturday I woke up just refreshed, it's hard to describe, just a feeling of calm. And it felt really good, that despite all of the confusion and frustration and indecision in my life right now, I just feel content. I guess i'm learning to accept what life has given me, even if i'm unsure of how it will all work out. I know that was just 1 good day in a sea of many many many bad days left to come, but if I can figure out my state of mind that made me feel ok maybe I can duplicate it more often.

Since I was in such a good mood, Pat and I went to dinner. To possibly the worst Outback ever. We had to wait an hour, we would have left and gone somewhere else but we had a gift card, and we can't pass up a free meal! We just sat and waited and talked. Finally we got a table, our waitress came over, Pat ordered a beer and I ordered a glass of wine. We tried to space everything out so our food wouldn't come out with the salads ( I hate that!) and it worked, I just pretended like I couldn't figure what I wanted to eat. I was almost done with my main course before I noticed that our waitress was pregnant. I know this doesn't seem like a huge deal. But my pregnant lady radar is on high alert these days, and I didn't even notice. ( She was waiting on the table next to us and I overheard them say something to her and she pulled her shirt a little tighter, I guess she knew them) So I said to Pat, "Wow I must really be in a good mood today, cause I didn't even notice she's pregnant". It felt good not to automatically hate her on sight, or feel jealous, or angry. I even tipped her extra good, cause she was really nice.

My good mood continued into the next day, not quite as strong but I still feel good. Pat and I went to the movies to see Marley and Me. And oh my god. It is quite possibly the saddest movie i've ever seen. I was sobbing at some points in the movie, and then laughing and then sobbing again. I loved it, I think it will become one of my go to movies, the one I can watch every single time it's on Tv.

I did do some reading in my books on donor conception that I got, and I still feel the need to find out more, more about how these kids feel when they grow up, because I know that one day my child will grow up and have to deal with/face decisions i've made. And I know that whatever decision I make it will be made with the purest of intentions, It's just hard to make a decision that WILL in some way affect the life of someone else, someone else who didn't get a choice.

I feel like im at the beginning of sorting all this out. Figuring out how I really feel about this. About giving up on a biological child. Just saying that is hard. And no matter how bad I ache to grow a child inside me, no matter how much I want to hold our baby in my arms, and watch my husband with our child. I need to know that the choice I make is one that is the best for everyone. I just don't have the answer yet, I feel like it will come to me in a moment of clarity, and all of a sudden it'll be like i've been sitting in a dark room and someone finally turned on the light.

The only thing I am sure of right at this moment is that I am a lucky woman. And I have alot of good in my life. Family and friends that will support me in whatever decision I choose.

And a husband who is my entire world. He loves me entirely. No matter what. And if it's just me and him forever and ever. I know that would be enough.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I just had to resist the urge to run away

A coworker just brought her adorable almost year old son in to work to show off.

I almost ran into the bathroom to hide.

I was able to resist. I can't constantly run away from things that make me hurt.

Thankfully I was on the phone when she came by my desk so all I had to do was smile and wave. I can do that much.

For some reason, today is hard.

I didn't want to start this year full of doubt and pain. But here I am. Maybe this is my lot in life. I'm so confused, and for the first time in a long time, I just don't know what I want anymore.

I'm beginning to question if it can possibly be worth this torture. If it's worth all the tears and sadness. I wonder if you CAN'T have children maybe that's a sign that you SHOULDN'T have children. It makes me sad to know that whatever I decide Patrick will go along with. I feel like i'm responsible for his happiness or misery.

Happy Fuckin New Year.

Thank Goodness

The young annoying pregnant chick at work is going in to have her baby on Friday.

Thank god, I can finally get a break from hearing her whine and complain about her whole pregnancy, she has been complaining since the beginning.

I know it probably sounds terribly mean of me to say that.

But it's so hard to listen to her complain EVERYDAY. And so hard to keep my mouth shut and resist the urge to tell her exactly how lucky she is.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Im so confused.

I am utterly and absolutely confused.

I have no idea what to do now.

I have no idea what I even want to do now.

I want to cry at the prospect of having to make a decision.

I feel better not thinking about it, and just pushing it to the back of my mind. I know that no one can make this decision for me, but I can't seem to make one either.

I just want to have a child. A family, my own family. I NEVER ever thought it would be this hard.

The only thing I know for sure is that i'm not ready to give up on actually being pregnant, and delivering a baby.
But it's the details I can't for the life of me figure out. I'm pretty sure I feel ok with the Donor egg. But am I positive? I don't know.

If only money didn't matter, Patrick says to not look at it that way, but come on we're not wealthy. I have to.