Monday, May 4, 2009

A fortune meant just for me.

I got a fortune in my cookie the other day after having a yummy meal.

I laughed when I read it.

"You will be graced by the presence of a loved one soon."

Wow. That fortune was meant for me.

Of course I know that we can read into things and interpret them to mean what we want them to mean. But at that moment it gave me hope.

How silly, that something typed on a small piece of paper could make me feel so good.

And then, you know how the back says LEARN CHINESE?

My word was....


Fucking Eggplant. I laughed, it was so perfect. Like I said, Meant for me.

I mean that is exactly what I want, right?
When we do our cycle.
I want the EGG to PLANT!!!!!!

My husband actually teared up when I showed him. He said it must be saved for the baby book, and then wondered why anyone would ever need to know how to say eggplant in Chinese.

Friday, April 3, 2009


The decision to use donor eggs hasn't come to me easily. After our IVF failed and we were told it was pretty much our only hope, I decided that I really didn't want to make a decision. That having to make a decision was making me crazy and depressed. The husband said he'd do whatever I wanted to do, I knew I was ok with using Donor Eggs, but I was trying to decide whether I wanted to try just one more time with my eggs. I decided that I did not. It wouldn't be worth the time, the tears, the heartache of failing. The reality that my body doesn't do what it should hasn't been easy, but it is my reality and I'm dealing with it the only way I can right now. I'm angry, and I want control in a situation where I have none.

But I still need control. I decided before I even made a decision that whatever we were going to do I wanted to wait until after the summer, after our vacations, I don't know why this makes me feel better but it does, its probably because it's the only thing I have control of. The husband now does not want to wait he wants to start. ASAP.

How do I explain to him that I feel like i've given up so much already. We have done everything we should have done, and we did it right, and we still failed. How can I make him understand that the decision to NOT start right now, is my futile attempt at hanging on to some sort of control over this situation. That once we start the process I'm relying on another woman to do everything right. That I will have to just trust that everyone is doing what they should. I'm tired, and i'm scared of what will happen and it's frustrating.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Good days, and Bad days.

Im feeling kind of blah. I am utterly exhausted, and have been for the last couple of days. Not sure why, I think I just need a vacation!

So i think i'm having a couple of bad days, not really bad. Just off. We went to our neices bday party and I just felt so out of place. All the kids just confirm for me that it IS what I want, and just remind me of how long it will be before I get there, how long it's already been. Next bday will be the other neice, she'll be 1. Already. That will be tough. No matter how much I think i'm ok with this whole thing. It will be hard to keep a smile on my face. Just knowing that I've been trying since before her mom got pregnant with her and now she's 1 will be difficult.

Sometimes the passage of time is just a horrible reminder.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Decision? Made.

We're holding off on ANYTHING. Indefinitely.

I HATE that it's come to this. But it's what I want right now, hell its what I NEED right now.

I know deep down that trying again with my eggs won't work. That it won't be worth the shots and the meds, and the cost. That it will only lead to more heartache.

But im not ready to make a decision about getting a Donor. I don't know when I will be. So that means this babymaking business goes on hold. We don't have the money for it right now anyways, but I swear I didn't let that play into my decision at all.

I've been so focused on trying to have a baby for the last 2 years, that I've forgotten everything else that I am. There are so many things that I want to do, and so many things I can fill my life with. I just have to pull the motivation from somewhere to do them all.

Exercise-I want to lose at least 30 pounds, I want to wear a bikini again!
Organize our photos
Take more pictures
Take a cake decorating class
Be more creative, paint and write

Thats all on my agenda now. I have a good life, and i'm not going to let it waste away and be miserable thinking about the one thing that I don't have.

Friday, February 6, 2009

I think I've made a decision.

I think I know what I want.
I know that what im thinking won't be easy, but It's something that I feel pretty good about for right now.

It makes me want to cry, and it kind of makes me feel like im giving up.

But I think it'll be better in the long run.

Now I just have to tell Pat.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I just want 1!!!!

Octu.ple.ts Mom Has 6 Ot.her Kids
Acquaintance Tells CBS News She Also Has 4 Boys, 2 Girls; 2 Of The Others Are Twins

The news makes me nuts, This woman has 14 children!
I just hope she can take care of them all.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Good moods....weekend recap

So Saturday it just so happened that I was in a fabulous mood, ALL day. That sure hasn't happened in a while.
Friday night was spent playing BINGO and wasting some money in the slot machines with my mom and a family friend, It was a girls night, or better yet a womans night. Since it was multi generational. I don't think any of us can get away with calling ourselves girls anymore.

Saturday I woke up just refreshed, it's hard to describe, just a feeling of calm. And it felt really good, that despite all of the confusion and frustration and indecision in my life right now, I just feel content. I guess i'm learning to accept what life has given me, even if i'm unsure of how it will all work out. I know that was just 1 good day in a sea of many many many bad days left to come, but if I can figure out my state of mind that made me feel ok maybe I can duplicate it more often.

Since I was in such a good mood, Pat and I went to dinner. To possibly the worst Outback ever. We had to wait an hour, we would have left and gone somewhere else but we had a gift card, and we can't pass up a free meal! We just sat and waited and talked. Finally we got a table, our waitress came over, Pat ordered a beer and I ordered a glass of wine. We tried to space everything out so our food wouldn't come out with the salads ( I hate that!) and it worked, I just pretended like I couldn't figure what I wanted to eat. I was almost done with my main course before I noticed that our waitress was pregnant. I know this doesn't seem like a huge deal. But my pregnant lady radar is on high alert these days, and I didn't even notice. ( She was waiting on the table next to us and I overheard them say something to her and she pulled her shirt a little tighter, I guess she knew them) So I said to Pat, "Wow I must really be in a good mood today, cause I didn't even notice she's pregnant". It felt good not to automatically hate her on sight, or feel jealous, or angry. I even tipped her extra good, cause she was really nice.

My good mood continued into the next day, not quite as strong but I still feel good. Pat and I went to the movies to see Marley and Me. And oh my god. It is quite possibly the saddest movie i've ever seen. I was sobbing at some points in the movie, and then laughing and then sobbing again. I loved it, I think it will become one of my go to movies, the one I can watch every single time it's on Tv.

I did do some reading in my books on donor conception that I got, and I still feel the need to find out more, more about how these kids feel when they grow up, because I know that one day my child will grow up and have to deal with/face decisions i've made. And I know that whatever decision I make it will be made with the purest of intentions, It's just hard to make a decision that WILL in some way affect the life of someone else, someone else who didn't get a choice.

I feel like im at the beginning of sorting all this out. Figuring out how I really feel about this. About giving up on a biological child. Just saying that is hard. And no matter how bad I ache to grow a child inside me, no matter how much I want to hold our baby in my arms, and watch my husband with our child. I need to know that the choice I make is one that is the best for everyone. I just don't have the answer yet, I feel like it will come to me in a moment of clarity, and all of a sudden it'll be like i've been sitting in a dark room and someone finally turned on the light.

The only thing I am sure of right at this moment is that I am a lucky woman. And I have alot of good in my life. Family and friends that will support me in whatever decision I choose.

And a husband who is my entire world. He loves me entirely. No matter what. And if it's just me and him forever and ever. I know that would be enough.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I just had to resist the urge to run away

A coworker just brought her adorable almost year old son in to work to show off.

I almost ran into the bathroom to hide.

I was able to resist. I can't constantly run away from things that make me hurt.

Thankfully I was on the phone when she came by my desk so all I had to do was smile and wave. I can do that much.

For some reason, today is hard.

I didn't want to start this year full of doubt and pain. But here I am. Maybe this is my lot in life. I'm so confused, and for the first time in a long time, I just don't know what I want anymore.

I'm beginning to question if it can possibly be worth this torture. If it's worth all the tears and sadness. I wonder if you CAN'T have children maybe that's a sign that you SHOULDN'T have children. It makes me sad to know that whatever I decide Patrick will go along with. I feel like i'm responsible for his happiness or misery.

Happy Fuckin New Year.

Thank Goodness

The young annoying pregnant chick at work is going in to have her baby on Friday.

Thank god, I can finally get a break from hearing her whine and complain about her whole pregnancy, she has been complaining since the beginning.

I know it probably sounds terribly mean of me to say that.

But it's so hard to listen to her complain EVERYDAY. And so hard to keep my mouth shut and resist the urge to tell her exactly how lucky she is.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Im so confused.

I am utterly and absolutely confused.

I have no idea what to do now.

I have no idea what I even want to do now.

I want to cry at the prospect of having to make a decision.

I feel better not thinking about it, and just pushing it to the back of my mind. I know that no one can make this decision for me, but I can't seem to make one either.

I just want to have a child. A family, my own family. I NEVER ever thought it would be this hard.

The only thing I know for sure is that i'm not ready to give up on actually being pregnant, and delivering a baby.
But it's the details I can't for the life of me figure out. I'm pretty sure I feel ok with the Donor egg. But am I positive? I don't know.

If only money didn't matter, Patrick says to not look at it that way, but come on we're not wealthy. I have to.