Friday, December 19, 2008


I've been sick this week-some sinus thing...which is probably good, as it give's me an excuse to sleep in and take off work and just lay on the couch. I haven't felt much like doing anything after our "news". Pretty soon my cold will be gone and everything will have to go back to "normal" whatever that is.

Pat and I haven't talked about it. It just hangs over our heads, but I don't have the strength yet to talk about it. I'm not ready to figure it out. I know how I feel about it, and I think I know how he feels, but actually getting it all out there, hasn't happened. And I feel like that's ok. I guess we are both just processing it all.

Even though I knew this was a possibility, I guess I just thought it would all work out somehow.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


What an appointment today.

The wind is officially out of my sails, and i'm pretty much convinced now that I will not have a child that is genetically related to me.


We could try another IVF cycle w/ my eggs, but the chances are pretty high that I wouldn't respond and would be cancelled like last time.

My doctor said if I was his wife or his sister, and was paying out of pocket with no insurance coverage, that he'd recommend that they go with whatever would give the best chance. Donor Egg or Adoption. He said it would be unfortunate if we used the money we have to try another IVF and have it not work, and then be totally out of options.

We've got some decisions to make.

What a fucked up Christmas present.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


I'm down today.
Really down.
I know part of it is the rain today and this time of year. I really just wanted to stay in bed today. Just pull the covers over my head and shut out the world.

I really want to enjoy the holidays, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to this year, i'm going to do the best I can do, and try to put on my happy face for everyone. I really was hoping for a good end to this year at least, but no I get to start the new year anxious and still wondering if it will EVER happen for us.

Last night I got a call from Pat's brother asking if we wanted to meet them for dinner. Pat wasn't going to be home until late so we're going to make plans for the weekend. It's really sad but the first thing I thought was OMG they are going to tell us they are pregnant. Ugh. I know it's mean, but I really hope thats not it. I cant handle that right now.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Here we go again.

I talked to my nurse today, and we have a follow up scheduled with the doctor for next week- she did tell me that he is changing my protocol, so i'll be on different meds next time.

Next time. I'm not ready for it. I had such a poor response last time, and im scared of the same result, so we'll be talking about that when we sit down next week, and come to some kind of decision.

I had myself so mentally prepared for the test to be negative, that I don't think I really thought about Pat's reaction to the news, and he took it worse than I thought he would. I guess that I didn't realize how emotionally invested he was. I know that he wants this just as much as I do, but I was trying so hard to protect myself that I didn't protect him. And failing myself is one thing, but failing him is another. I just don't feel ready to go through this again.

But he is. Ready. To jump right into another cycle. More meds, more appts. And all I can think, is more tears, more dissapointment, more anxiety. But he wants to do this until we're told we have zero chance, or we're told that we're wasting our time, money, and our emotions on this.

I've lost so much hope, that I want to move on from this. I want to make new plans, and get hopeful about something else. Maybe this just isn't the way for us. And that thought does tear me apart. But maybe it just isn't.

But if there is a chance, even if it ends badly, I have to know that we did everything we could to make this happen.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Will it be yes or will it be no?

I slept like a baby last night, and as soon as my eyes opened this morning I was nervous. And in the shower I thought well maybe I could be pregnant. I may get good news today, this isn't over yet. As much as my brain wants to tell me that I think im not, my heart wants to hope that I am. So in the shower, and on the way to the appt, and on the way to work after the appt, I just kept fantasizing about that phone call later in the day, fantasizing about hearing Congratulations, your pregnant!

So the blood has been drawn, and I think i'm ready to hear the answer.

It's gonna be a long day.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

It's almost over.

So now im anxious.
It finally caught up to me.

Tomorrow is the day, and i'll know for sure.
I'm preparing myself for the BIG letdown.

I wish I could be optimistic, I feel like throwing up, I want to cry at the drop of a hat today, but it's just my nerves.

I do hope that I am suprised with good news, but I am trying to be prepared for anything. I've definitely decided not to test. Hell i've waited this long. So tomorrow I'll just let them leave a message with the results and try my damndest not to listen to it without Pat.

Ugh, I don't think I'll be able to sleep at all tonight.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

48 hours left

Well im almost at the end of this wait.

And is it insane that I'm not looking forward to finding out on Friday? I mean it really makes me want to cry-Can't I just keep on thinking that I ~might~ be pregnant?

I really don't want to get bad news-Not that I know for sure it'll be bad news. I can't even bring myself to take a home pregnancy test!

Damnit-Why is this so hard!

Is itchiness a pregnancy symptom?

Just kidding-I'm sure its not, but if it was-I'd be sure that I am!

I know it's just the winter time, but damn I was itching in my sleep last night, I woke up all scratched up!

Monday, December 1, 2008

It's expensive but totally worth it.

not today.

The stupid young pregnant chick at my work. She had a 3D sonogram over the weekend, and I got stuck at her desk looking at the video. She said oh let me show you something, "If you ever have a baby you should get this done, it's expensive but sooooo worth it".

OOOh $175.00... Maybe she wants to trade bills with me? I've just spent an amount of money that would blow her away, all for a chance to just ~get~ pregnant, not a mere $175.00 to watch a life kicking around inside of me for an hour.

She is so clueless.

"No Matter What"

That phrase will from now on be the sweetest thing Pat has ever said to me. Sure he's pretty sweet on a daily basis. But last night on the way home from dinner at his parents house. He reminded me (as if I'd forgotten) that we only have to wait 5 more days. And then said he loves me No matter what happens.

I'm feeling pretty anxious right now, and truthfully it's kind of nice living in la la land, the land where I ~could be~ pregnant, I'd rather think that It's possible than know for sure that I'm not.

Of course Patrick think I might be, he says my boobs have gotten bigger, but really I don't see how that's possible they are pretty big anyways!

But I have no symptoms, and if I did i have to just remember that it could be the progesterone that im on.

For now im trying to remain positive and trying to resist the urge to take a home pregnancy test, like I said i kind of enjoy thinking that I ~might~ be pregnant. I don't know if I'm delaying the inevitable but I'm just not ready to be sad again.