Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I've been

thinking alot over the last couple of days, about the doctor's appt tomorrow.

As terrified as I am of more bad news. Im really hoping for an end to all this. If I was just told there is no chance of us ever getting pregnant, I feel like I could move on.

I feel like I could make all the other plans that i've been putting off. We could travel more, and learn to be content with our lives for what it is...maybe we could take that 2-3 week cross country vacation we've wanted to take, we could take weekend trips, and visit friends. We could do some remodeling. We could turn that room in our house that was supposed to be a babies room, our babies room. Into something other than a temporary storage/junk/spare bedroom. Maybe into a craft room/project room-so we'll have some space to do all the things we have no room in our house to do.

Im worried that this part of my life will come to a screeching halt tomorrow. I'm terrified that I'll break down sobbing in front of the doctor. I'm worried that Patrick eventually won't want to be with a woman who cant bear his children. I worry about what i'll do with the rest of my life. I worry that i'll never be ok with this. I'll always be bitter and mean, and that pregnant women will always bother me. That watching people with their children will make me feel sad and jealous and alone. That every holiday i'll be reminded of what I don't have instead of what I do. I'm afraid that holding other peoples babies will always be something that is more difficult than anyone knows.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Apparently I'm a clusterfuck of problems

High estrogen, most like caused by the cysts.
High FSH-Still, but she said that doesn't make sense, normally when Estrogen is high, FSH is low and vice versa.
The edometrioma they saw on my ultrasound, most like the beginning of endometriosis.

We meet with the doctor next week for a followup. Hopefully we'll get some kind of diagnosis and a plan of some sort.

I can handle it if I know what I'm dealing with. I'll be able to move on.
It's all this not knowing that is the scariest.

Im special...

I have this ability to grow cysts while on birth control.

I had 1.

Now there is 3.
1 big one. 2 smaller ones. The big one is about 69mm.
The smaller ones are around 30mm.

No wonder I've been having all this pain.

and that's not all.

They saw something else that she said looked like an endometrioma. I have no clue what that is...something to do with the lining. I haven't had a chance yet to google it to death. I'm waiting for my nurse to call me back today. I need some answers. This is so old.