Friday, August 29, 2008

And the news is......

Not great.


FSH Level is still high. Abnormally high. It wasn't a fluke.


Damn.

At least I know.


Not sure what's next yet. We have to have a follow up visit with the doctor. I have a pretty large cyst on my right ovary. So I'm going on Birth Control for 1 month to try and shrink it. They'll recheck the cyst when im done with that pack of birth control, and then we'll proceed from there.

Now can I freak out?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I really need

to stop reading the stupid internet, i keep looking up information about low ovarian reserve, and let me just say. None of it is good.

Everything says best chance is Donor Eggs.

I can't handle this. I feel overwhelmed. It's too much. What if it's right, I will never have a baby that would definitely have my blue eyes and curly hair, a little piece of me and Pat. That'll be really hard to let go of.

Hey- I wanted an answer from all this, and I guess i'll be getting it soon.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Friday!

Friday Is the day for my bloodwork, and sonogram.

I don't know when I'll find out the results, probably Tuesday since Monday is a holiday, ugh.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Something is wrong with my body.

Day 1 is today. That makes the last cycle a 24 day one.

Bloodwork on Thursday. I guess i'll find out this week if my FSH level is really that high, or if it was a fluke. God I hope it was a fluke.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I'm angry-

It's just roadblock after roadblock and I cant take much more. It seems like everything is working against us. Maybe it's just not meant to be for us. Maybe we need to give up for a while. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I hardly use my health insurance, seriously I probably put in way more per year than I actually use, and the one time I actually need it, it isn't covered. I don't mind having to pay out of pocket, but the fact that they won't pay for routine testing because it's ordered by the fertility specialist pisses me off.

The clinic told me that they might get paid if my primary doctors will order them. But they won't, I called. I can't say that I blame them, I pretty much stopped going there when my favorite Nurse Practitioner left. I'm hardly their patient. Damn it, I know if she was still there I could get her to order them for me.

I think that we're due for some good news, I hope our luck will turn around soon.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Can a girl catch a break!?

It just gets worse and worse. It's not bad enough that my insurance doesn't cover any infertility treatment, but now I just found out that they won't cover any diagnostic testing either. Which is all the testing that Pat and I both have to get done before we can start treatment, like HIV testing and other Infectious diseases.

I'm going to try to find out what we're in for, but it sounds like its going to be thousands of dollars on top of everything else.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The appointment.

Was informative. MY doctor is wonderful, the nurses are great.

But we did find out something that could potentially be devastating to us. My FSH level is high, abnormally high.

When the doctor mentioned it, I said " So what does that mean?", and he said " well, i'd rather not go into that now I want to retest and make sure, before we talk about it" I guess I looked like I was craving a better answer than that so he said " It can be an indicator of early menopause/low ovarian reserve" and after that I was too shocked to ask anything else.

Which means, we may have to move right to IVF, or it could mean my eggs are no good at all and our best chance is IVF w/ Donor Eggs.

Shit.

So we'll run all the tests again, and we'll keep our fingers crossed something was throwing it off. Please, please, please let that be the case. It will be a couple weeks until they can test me again, so it'll be a long 2 weeks, we have to wait until I get my period again.

Right now, we're planning on starting with an IUI, if it turns out that test was off.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Anxiety-

I've got some major butterflies today. Im so nervous about this appt Wednesday. I can't believe it. It really feels like this is happening to someone else.

This morning as I was taking a shower I realized just how dissapointed this whole process has made me. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I know that not everything works according to plan, but I wanted the life I have + children. It just gets worse and worse, as people around us keep having children, and im still here with empty arms, I know that the longer we struggle with this the harder it gets for my husband too.

Saturday night after we got home from his birthday party, we were talking about everyone's kids, and how you know your getting old when your birthday party has more kids than adults! And he was talking about all the funny things all the kids did and said. And how good they all were, and I just felt really sad. I wanted to ask him if he thought we'd ever have kids of our own. But I couldn't bring myself to say the words. It just seems so unattainable.

It's hard when people ask if we're going to try soon, or say don't wait to long to have kids. We usually tell people we're trying if they ask, but we don't go into details. It's hard when people talk about trying for a specific gender. Don't they know how lucky they are to get anything at all!

I told Pat the other day that im so scared that Michelle is going to get pregnant again before me, I didn't take the news so well the first time, I don't know what my reaction would be this time. I don't think he knew what to say. I really want to ask her when they plan on trying for another. (Who know's they may want them really close together), but I'm so afraid of the answer and putting that added pressure on myself.

I feel like we're getting close to some kind of answer now. It's the beginning of the end. And hopefully the end is a positive outcome.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Ranting.

I have a guilty pleasure of reading People magazine, but articles like this really piss me off.

*The sentence I highlighted in red, is what makes me mad.

Babies
Rebecca Romijn & Jerry O'Connell Are Expecting Twins


Rebecca Romijn and her husband, Jerry O'Connell, are expecting twins, their rep confirms to PEOPLE. The babies are due this winter. A source tells PEOPLE that both babies will be girls. The twins were conceived without the help of in vitro fertilization or the fertility drug Clomid, a source close to the couple also says. PEOPLE, "We're trying to get pregnant." "It would be amazing if it happened," he said, adding that practicing has been "a lot of fun."

**Why do they feel like the need to state that they did not use clomid or in vitro? Did someone ask? Twins aren't that unordinary, and don't warrant an explanation! Does stating that they didn't need help getting pregnant make it better? Why is there such shame associated with infertility! I know that society believes women are here to reproduce, and when someone can't it's because something is "wrong" with them. But do we-the one's who have trouble getting pregnant- need to be made to feel like any baby we do make with help is somehow inferior?

Our society sucks.

There was an article last week in one of the magazines that "Brangelina" did in vitro to get their twins, but no, not because she was having trouble getting pregnant, of course not, but because, they wanted to get it done, and didn't want to go through the stress of having to try to get pregnant. All I have to say to that is Fuck them. Poor you, didn't want the stress, i'll be damned should you have the stress in your perfect little life. And please, like going through in vitro is stress free!! I never really cared for her before, but if that is true and not just some made up trash magazine bullshit, I really think less of them now.

If it's true that they did because they had trouble, then say it. But they can't because it's shameful. If they had trouble, somehow our society sees her as a lesser woman, or maybe Brad's not a "real man", and he couldn't have that image could he?

I understand the shame, you can't do what it seems like the majority of women can do with no problem. Something that supposedly women were born to do. It's hard. It's hard to want something so bad, and hear and see nonsense articles splashed about with no regard for the women suffering from this.

I do hope that someday it wont be something that women are made to feel bad about, we put enough pressure on ourselves when we can't get pregnant, we dont need it from outside sources.

When or if I get pregnant, I'm sure I won't come right out and tell everyone how long it took us or that we needed help, just like I don't just come out and tell the whole world that we are trying now. But I do know if someone asked me why we waited so long or if we needed help, I would tell them. I wont be ashamed of all we went through to get our baby.