Thursday, June 26, 2008

Relief

I feel better. It's nice not to TRY to get pregnant. The last year has been so full of let downs that it was hard to see anything good ever happening.

But for now I feel like a weight has been lifted. Not trying. Just being. What happens, happens.
I don't know how long this feeling will last but for now it's ok with me. I still am striving for that ultimate goal, and not hoping so hard doesn't mean I want it any less. But for my own sanity I just had to let it go for a little bit, and I feel like for the most part I have.

Monday, June 16, 2008

I dont like Mondays.

Im out of it today. Part of it is that im tired, and I really need a vacation.

The other part is yesterday. All in all a pretty good day, we spent the day at my in laws with my parents, my brother, and all the nephews and neices. It was a nice day outside and it was nice to just sit around and relax. Unfortunately even though I was in a group of people who I know very well, I still felt completely alone. I felt like such an outsider. All the kids running around and I just kept wondering " will we ever be a family?". Listening to my mother talk to my sister in law about the baby and breastfeeding, I just wanted to be anywhere but there. But to get up and walk away would have made me irrational. Listening to pat's sister talk to his mom (which I feel like was for my benefit) about a friend of hers that tried to get pregnant for 2 years who had this test done where they shot dye into her fallopian tubes to see if she's blocked ( it's an HSG I've had one, I could have said that maybe to shut her up, but I kept my mouth shut) after she had it done the doctor told her she had a high chance of conceiving within the next couple of months, and the next month she got pregnant, ( Too bad that didn't work for me, mine was last summer.) Maybe she wasn't saying it to try to get me to say something, but It sure felt like it, especially since no one was even talking about anything remotely near that topic, the story was kind of an "oh by the way" story.


I feel like Pat and I are a family even without children, we've known eachother so long, and are so connected to eachother I can't imagine my life without him. But to most people we aren't a true "family". We are just a "couple". We're two married people with no kids, married too long to be considered newleyweds who just haven't decided to start their family yet. People seem to think that means we could decide not to be together at any moment, but it really wouldn't matter because we don't have any kids whose life would be distrupted.

Sometimes I feel like people don't take us seriously because we don't have kids. They think we have this easy carefree life, and it's just not true. Like we have all the time in the world to just do whatever we want to do. Sure we have alot of time to ourselves, we've had almost 11 years to ourselves. But it's not all fun, ( I know having kids isn't either) and sometimes it's really lonely.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Happiness

Just when I think I'm doing good at keeping my mind off of what I dont have, and trying to feel complete and happy with my life even if that life doesnt include children, at least for right now. I have that dream again. The one where I dream that my sister in law who just had a baby tells me that shes pregnant again. I woke up so sad this morning.



I wanted so badly for my husband to be a father on father's day, or at least have a baby on the way. But that wont happen, and it makes me sad. My hope is that next year, it'll happen. I hate that I have to say the same thing every year. My worry is what happens if it's not next year either.



Im bitter, sad and angry, and the truth is no matter how much I try to be ok-I'm not, not really.



Something is missing, and no matter how much greatness I have in my life, it doesn't make up for it.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Change

It's not often that my horoscope sounds anything like me, but this one for today is right on.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
For Thursday, June 12 -Change is more than good for you right now -- it is absolutely necessary! You've been tossing more than a few bright and fresh new ideas back and forth in your head, and today is a great time to pick one out and start moving forward on it! It doesn't matter whether it's a new career, a fun trip somewhere, a new health regime, or just a new haircut -- moving into a new phase has never felt so right. Taking control of your life is always a good idea.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Nonsense

Now that I'm trying to keep trying to pregnant out of my head. I realize I don't have much to say. I mean I have ALOT to say, but nothing to really talk about. My life isn't very full. And I'm going to work on changing that starting now.

I do have some things that I can look forward to coming up, we're going to a baseball game with our best friends Lea and Bryan at the end of the month. And in July we'll be going on a much needed vacation. But other than that nothing more than the usual day to day activities.

Too much time to think, I need more to do =)

Sunday, June 8, 2008

14 months later, Im throwing in the towel

for now.

I've taken about all I can take. I can't do this to myself anymore. I need a break from trying to get pregnant, so for now, no medication, no charting. Nothing. I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow and get the information for the fertility clinic, but I don't plan on making an appt until late August. I'm at my breaking point. I'm sad about it, but getting my period this month was devastating to me, and I need to take care of myself first.

Ugh. This is hard. I hate that it has come to this.

Friday, June 6, 2008

I might have to find another job.

Cause I can't fucking stand listening to the pregnant girl next to me talk. The sound of her voice gets on my nerves, and everything that comes out of her mouth is ignorant. All she does is complain and if I have to listen to her for another 34 weeks or so I might snap.

Can I get a break? Please? Today of all days, I need a break.

I'm crampy and on the verge of tears. Please let this day end quickly.

I wish I was wrong,

But im not.

I'm not pregnant this time either. Damnit. If not this month then when??? I truly feel like we've done all we can on our own, obviously we are not going to get pregnant without some help. Fuck.

I want to just give up on trying, all it's done so far is break my heart, and I don't know how much more I can take.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Let's just hope Im wrong.

But I don't think I got pregnant this time either. I really hope I'm wrong, but right now all signs point to no. Hopefully I'll know something either way in just a few more days.

The next couple days are going to suck. I was doing so well, but there always comes a point where I lose all hope. I'm still holding onto it a little for right now.

I've got a couple options, my doctor will let me do 1 more month of the clomid at this dose, or she said she'll write up the referral to the specialist and send my chart over to them, I just have to decide what I want to do. On one hand I think why not give it another month maybe that's all I need. On the other I think that we might as well just get started with the specialist, and stop putting it off. Decisions, Decisions.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I wish

It's sad really.

I'm listening to the pregnant girl talk to another woman here about being pregnant. And the woman says " you should consider yourself lucky, some people have a really hard time getting pregnant, your lucky you didn't" and the pregnant girl said "ya I know I have a friend who has been trying for 6 months and hasn't been able to" " I felt so bad when I told her".

Not so bad, kind of nice, a redeeming quality for her since she is so ignorant. Then she goes on to say " I told her she could use my husband to knock her up". "And I told her to just relax, I know that is why it was so easy for us".

There goes the ignorance.

I wish she knew that it's easy to be relaxed in the beginning, when you don't have a care in the world, you don't think that anything may be wrong with you or your husband. You haven't yet begun to feel isolated, alone, despondent, defective and like you having nothing in common with women with children, how you resent every pregnant woman you see, and hate yourself for feeling so selfish. You still have so much hope in the beginning.

It gets taken away from you slowly month after month of not getting pregnant. Listening to people around you say how easy it was, and how their husband could just look at them and they'd be pregnant. You start to wonder what is wrong with you- Maybe you find out what is and maybe you don't, but if your still not getting pregnant nothing matters. It rules your whole world. You know the exact date when your period should come, when you can test, what day you ovulated, what your due date will be if you get pregnant. You have lots of time to wonder if you'll ever get to say to your husband " I'm pregnant" and you know just how you'll tell him IF you ever get the chance. You wonder how much you can take, and why you were chosen for this.
You wonder how many more tests you'll have to have done, and what will be the next step, how much it will cost. You wonder what will happen if none of it works.

It just makes me sad, I know that she has no idea that sitting right next to her is someone that is struggling with her very presence. Everyday. And I know it's not her fault, that the stars aligned just for her and she got her miracle. Exactly when she wanted it. No questions asked.

I'm still hopeful this month and thinking positive for me. But everyday I wish this was easier, and everyday I hope it's my turn. Everyday I wish people understood how hard this gets sometimes.

Monday, June 2, 2008

UGH---It's Monday.

and I'm STILL thinking positively, just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best outcome =)

My only complaint is that I am utterly exhausted! I cannot get enough sleep. I have been tired since Friday. Yesterday I was tired even after I woke up and didn't really do much of anything all day. I can barely keep my eyes open today. Yawn. I think I need to go to bed super early tonite.