Friday, May 30, 2008

Stupid pregnant ungrateful wench.

Nice title huh? I think that's what i'm going to start calling the "girl" at my work that is pregnant, I say girl cause well she's basically a child.

And pissing me off.

I need earplugs.

She's telling everyone about her sonogram today, and showing her picture off. I just keep avoiding her, but I can't avoid hearing her talk-she's telling the woman who sits next to her that her and her husband just got invited to a party tomorrow night, but she doesn't think she can go cause (her words) " People will be smoking alot and drinking, and I don't think I can handle being around all that right now" "I wish I could smoke and drink".

Grow up you fucking twat. That felt good to say, as long as I don't slip and say it out loud one of these times. I'd probably get fired.

Thank God it's Friday!

Thinking happy thoughts---

Is so hard right now!

I hate not being in control. I already ovulated and now I just have to wait. This sucks. I'm trying to stay positive and optimistic, but I feel like i'll be setting myself up for more heartbreak.

If I hope for it enough will I finally get pregnant? I wish it were that easy.

I just keep telling myself to relax. Luckily, I've got some projects and plans this weekend to keep my mind occupied, and hopefully I can make it through next week and end up with some good news.

Please. Please. Please.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Optimistic

I feel good this month. I'm optimistic and can't stop smiling, the thought that this month could actually be the one has me all giddy. Of course I just ovulated, so I won't know anyhing for a while. But I have hope, and for me that is alot. I know that this higher dose of medication worked and we actually really have a chance this time. Wow.

It's gonna be a long hard fall if it didn't. But I'm not going to think about that right now. For now I'm just enjoying the possibility.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Things that annoy me. Part 2**UPDATED**

The girl at my work that got married a couple of weeks ago and said she was going to try and get pregnant on her honeymoon.

She got pregnant on her honeymoon.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me right?

This sucks.

UPDATE
and she's smoking. My god. What an idiot. Shes complaining about her morning sickness, and how she can't have caffeine, and is really craving a hot dog but cant have one.

ugh. I think she'd be better off eating the hot dog instead of smoking the cigarette.

bitch.

whew. I feel better now.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I never promised you a rose garden.







That's how I spent my Saturday morning.




Friday, May 16, 2008

TGIF!!! ~More of the same~

Finally friday. Another week down, I'm desperately needing a weekend of doing nothing at all, and I think this will be the one! I'm in desperate need of a vacation as well, but I have to wait until July for that!

I said before that I was going to try to be more positive and to try not to think so much and worry so much, and so far so NOT good? It doesn't help that yesterday was my 2nd day of taking the Clomid again, and the doctor upped my dosage this time, it makes me so tired, I almost immediately cannot keep my eyes open-and sleep so deeply. When I wake up in the morning i'm STILL tired! Ugh! Then when i'm awake i'm just so hot. The hot flashes are crazy-at least i'll know what to expect for menopause =)

The things that pop into my head irritate me and I wish there was a way to make it stop. This morning I realized that last year I had hoped I would have a baby by this time. Last christmas I thought, well maybe we'll have our baby by next christmas. Well that's not gonna happen. I can only hope now that i'll be pregnant by christmas. Maybe we'll finally have our baby by next christmas 2009!

Last night I had a dream that Patrick brought home one of those baby's first christmas ornaments, but it wasn't for us. It was a gift for the baby that my sister in law is expecting, and that just made me feel so sad.

I just feel so overwhelmed by the time gone by. Pat says we should really only consider that we've been trying since I started taking this medication, because I wasn't ovulating and we were trying with pretty much no chance of getting pregnant. But that fact doesn't take all those months of trying away. All those months I thought we had a chance even though we really had no chance at all.

When my sister in law got pregnant right after they started trying of course I was sad for me-It hurt. In the back of my head I thought I'll be ok, I'll be ok if I can just get pregnant before she has the baby, but that time is approaching (due tomorrow) and I'm still not pregnant.

I just need a break. I need some happiness. I need a miracle!

I wish I could be more positive about this-but when it's happening to you it's hard to see all the good things you have.

I'm lucky I have great family and friends. A wonderful husband. ( I couldn't ask for a better one)
A job I enjoy. But I just want more. I want to have a child. Is that too much to ask for?

I really really hope that it happens soon. I feel like im drowning. I wish I could have the optimism that my mother has, she thinks this higher dosage of the medication will work for us, and we won't have to go to the specialist. That we won't need to move on to other treatments, I truly do hope that she is right. But I feel the need to prepare myself for it.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and trying to be more positive, and wishing and hoping. So far none of this has gotten me anywhere, but I just have to keep thinking that it happens for so many other people, this month could be MY month. That thought itself is enough to keep me going for now.

If this cycle goes according to plan, I should know something by Father's Day-Wouldn't that be the best present ever?

Monday, May 12, 2008

Somethings gotta give

Hope everyone had a great Mother's day. Saturday I took my mom to lunch, then we went to play the slot machines, we didn't really win anything-but hey we didn't lose either. I hope she enjoyed it as much as I did.

Saturday night Pat and Colleen and I went to see the Drive by Truckers at the 930 club. Before the show we went and had some of the best sushi I've had in a while. Yummy. It was a good concert, a little on the long side, especially when your standing, and your so short that all you can see is the back of someone's sweatshirt for 2 hours. I was actually really glad when they were done-then they came back out for the encore-and played for almost another hour! But all in all it was a fun night! Colleen-I'm glad you decided to come!

In other news...
I'm not pregnant. Again.

Suprised? I'm not. I'm brokenhearted, and more than a little numb, but that's expected at this point. Truthfully, I had a lot of hope in my heart for a miracle this month. I feel like it's my turn. But another month of failing proves me wrong.

I've got one more try with the Clomid, i'll start it in a couple of days. If I don't get pregnant this time, I've got to move on to something else. My Doctor said she'll recommend a Fertility Specialist to us, and that will be our next step. It feels like a HUGE step. This is a step that just adds so many more worries to my list of evergrowing worries. My health insurance doesn't cover ANY infertility treatments, NOTHING. (honestly not many of them do, so i'm not alone) Not doctor's visits, not bloodwork, sonograms, and if you've seen the bills for these things when you get your insurance statement you know how much these things can cost. And Infertilty treatment requires ALOT of those things. Alot of money for no guarantees. I wonder how much we can take, Pat says he's on board to do whatever we have to do. But I wonder how far I will go?

I can't help but wonder if i'll ever get to use those baby names that I have just waiting, and hoping no one uses them in the meantime. I can't help but wonder if choices I made in the past are the reason we're going through this now. I can't help but wonder if the room in my house that I think of as the baby's room, will ever have an actual baby in it. If it never happens, will I ever stop being jealous? Will I ever stop having a broken heart? Will I always feel like something is missing?

I think for this month i'm going to try really hard to be positive, i'll just take my medication and do nothing else. No planning, no worrying. Focus my energy on something else. I'm going to plan our vacation, and exercise and wait and see. For now I think that's all I can do.

Although I know very well that this plan may fly right out the window once I see my sister in law holding her brand new baby that's due this week.

I also can't wait to hold and meet their little one, I need to be reminded that it does and can happen, that babies aren't just something that happens to other people.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Weekend & Butterflies

We had a great weekend, we had company all weekend so it gave us a chance to do some things that we wouldn't do on a normal weekend if it was just the two of us.

We went to the Butterfly Pavilion at the Smithsonian and it was awesome! They are so beautiful!

Then we went to see U2 IMAX 3D and it was pretty cool, movie concerts aren't really my thing but it was pretty cool to see.











After the movie we went to dinner and had tapas, then walked to the Lincoln memorial. Sunday we met my husbands family for brunch, after that our company left and we went home and crashed. It was an exhausting weekend, but a good distraction for me.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

A new me?

I'm wondering how you break out of the same routine? How you change who you are. And the things that you do. It's so easy to just be. To just maintain who you are, to never change.

There are so many things I want to do, I want to travel more. I want to be more positive. I want to start exercising. I want to be a healthier person inside and out, more well rounded, more outgoing, more self assured. But how do you get there? How do you break the feeling that you cant?

That's always been my problem, I'm too afraid to fail to even try, and in the back of my mind I always think "i'll wait to find out if i got pregnant this month, and if not i'll start seriously exercising and dieting and just working on me". But I never do it. I lack the follow through. I wait to long before I start thinking about it again and go through the same scenario in my head month after month.

I know I just have to do it.

So today i'm going to start small. I'm going to call the yoga studio and see what they offer for classes, then I don't have to make any long term commitment, and i'll be exercising, and maybe I'll find it relaxing.

I need to find a way to reduce the stress that i'm holding in.

Things that annoy me-Part 1

I say part 1-cause, well alot of things annoy me and i'm sure there will be more.

*I was enjoying my sunday paper reading ritual and started to read the parade magazine, on the cover was easy meals for 2. I'm thinking oooh great i'm always looking for new ideas for dinner, and cooking for 2 is a pain in the ass. So I flip to the page, and the quote from the woman who wrote the article was something like " Whether your newleyweds or empty nesters, these recipes will be great for you".

and i'm thinking to myself..."well, what if your neither" =)

*People who ask how long you've been married and then say "oooh, almost 6 years, and no kids?" ( this did come from the biggest a-hole at my work) after he walked away my friend at the desk next to me said...."why would somebody say something like that, wouldn't you just assume that if someone has been married almost 6 years and dont have any kids that A- they either dont ever want kids, or B-they are having some trouble getting them". "And if that was the case why would you ever ask?"

*The girl at my work who got married last week, before she left on wednesday she let everyone know that they were going to try to get pregnant on their honeymoon.
-ugh.