Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of feeling sooo helpless. I'm tired of trying so hard to get pregnant. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to go back on the pill and give up, heck I probably wouldn't even have to go back on the pill since I don't ovulate on my own. I just feel so lost.

This month i'll either get my period or find out if i'm pregnant around Mother's day. Lucky me. Last month I got my period the day before my sister in law's baby shower. I'm just imagining a really tough day, a day where I'll celebrate my mom and all the mommy's I know, while my own heart is breaking inside.

I know it could also be an unbelievable day, the day that i've been waiting for for so long. It just feels like a longshot, and it's easier to believe the worst, I can't get my hopes up anymore, It just wrecks me too much.

I keep having dreams that startle me....dreams about babies. The other night I could see this babies face so clearly, dark straight hair, big blue penetrating eyes, big chubby cheeks. (looked nothing like my or my husband) I dreamed that I was holding her and rocking her, and singing to her (poor baby!) but I knew she wasn't mine. Then when I woke up I just felt so empty.

I dreamt that my brother and sister in law gave birth to their baby, then a few weeks later told us they were pregnant again.

I keep dreaming that friends of ours are pregnant.

I dreamt that I was an old lady, and alone.

Today I just feel alone and sad. Nothing left to do but wait to find out if I got pregnant this month.

I guess on this last day of April-I'm looking ahead to what May will be like, A day of celebration of mothers ( a club I am not a part of) but want so badly to be. The week after that my newest neice will be born. A baby that will remind me what I am working so hard for, what I cry so much for. A baby that will remind me that i've been trying so hard since before her parents were married, before they started trying and got pregnant. A baby that reminds me how easy it is for some and how hard it is for others. A baby that reminds me of all the months gone by.

I'm tired of this emotional ride and im tired of the fear that it'll never happen-that my husband and I will never have our family. I'm tired of wondering what the rest of our life will be like. I've never imagined my life without children, without a family. And now im beginning to imagine it, and it looks lonely.