Friday, December 19, 2008

Fog

I've been sick this week-some sinus thing...which is probably good, as it give's me an excuse to sleep in and take off work and just lay on the couch. I haven't felt much like doing anything after our "news". Pretty soon my cold will be gone and everything will have to go back to "normal" whatever that is.

Pat and I haven't talked about it. It just hangs over our heads, but I don't have the strength yet to talk about it. I'm not ready to figure it out. I know how I feel about it, and I think I know how he feels, but actually getting it all out there, hasn't happened. And I feel like that's ok. I guess we are both just processing it all.

Even though I knew this was a possibility, I guess I just thought it would all work out somehow.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Numbness

What an appointment today.

The wind is officially out of my sails, and i'm pretty much convinced now that I will not have a child that is genetically related to me.

Wow.

We could try another IVF cycle w/ my eggs, but the chances are pretty high that I wouldn't respond and would be cancelled like last time.

My doctor said if I was his wife or his sister, and was paying out of pocket with no insurance coverage, that he'd recommend that they go with whatever would give the best chance. Donor Egg or Adoption. He said it would be unfortunate if we used the money we have to try another IVF and have it not work, and then be totally out of options.

We've got some decisions to make.

What a fucked up Christmas present.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Sad

I'm down today.
Really down.
I know part of it is the rain today and this time of year. I really just wanted to stay in bed today. Just pull the covers over my head and shut out the world.

I really want to enjoy the holidays, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to this year, i'm going to do the best I can do, and try to put on my happy face for everyone. I really was hoping for a good end to this year at least, but no I get to start the new year anxious and still wondering if it will EVER happen for us.

Last night I got a call from Pat's brother asking if we wanted to meet them for dinner. Pat wasn't going to be home until late so we're going to make plans for the weekend. It's really sad but the first thing I thought was OMG they are going to tell us they are pregnant. Ugh. I know it's mean, but I really hope thats not it. I cant handle that right now.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Here we go again.

I talked to my nurse today, and we have a follow up scheduled with the doctor for next week- she did tell me that he is changing my protocol, so i'll be on different meds next time.

Next time. I'm not ready for it. I had such a poor response last time, and im scared of the same result, so we'll be talking about that when we sit down next week, and come to some kind of decision.

I had myself so mentally prepared for the test to be negative, that I don't think I really thought about Pat's reaction to the news, and he took it worse than I thought he would. I guess that I didn't realize how emotionally invested he was. I know that he wants this just as much as I do, but I was trying so hard to protect myself that I didn't protect him. And failing myself is one thing, but failing him is another. I just don't feel ready to go through this again.

But he is. Ready. To jump right into another cycle. More meds, more appts. And all I can think, is more tears, more dissapointment, more anxiety. But he wants to do this until we're told we have zero chance, or we're told that we're wasting our time, money, and our emotions on this.

I've lost so much hope, that I want to move on from this. I want to make new plans, and get hopeful about something else. Maybe this just isn't the way for us. And that thought does tear me apart. But maybe it just isn't.

But if there is a chance, even if it ends badly, I have to know that we did everything we could to make this happen.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Will it be yes or will it be no?

I slept like a baby last night, and as soon as my eyes opened this morning I was nervous. And in the shower I thought well maybe I could be pregnant. I may get good news today, this isn't over yet. As much as my brain wants to tell me that I think im not, my heart wants to hope that I am. So in the shower, and on the way to the appt, and on the way to work after the appt, I just kept fantasizing about that phone call later in the day, fantasizing about hearing Congratulations, your pregnant!


So the blood has been drawn, and I think i'm ready to hear the answer.

It's gonna be a long day.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

It's almost over.

So now im anxious.
It finally caught up to me.

Tomorrow is the day, and i'll know for sure.
I'm preparing myself for the BIG letdown.

I wish I could be optimistic, I feel like throwing up, I want to cry at the drop of a hat today, but it's just my nerves.

I do hope that I am suprised with good news, but I am trying to be prepared for anything. I've definitely decided not to test. Hell i've waited this long. So tomorrow I'll just let them leave a message with the results and try my damndest not to listen to it without Pat.

Ugh, I don't think I'll be able to sleep at all tonight.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

48 hours left

Well im almost at the end of this wait.

And is it insane that I'm not looking forward to finding out on Friday? I mean it really makes me want to cry-Can't I just keep on thinking that I ~might~ be pregnant?

I really don't want to get bad news-Not that I know for sure it'll be bad news. I can't even bring myself to take a home pregnancy test!

Damnit-Why is this so hard!

Is itchiness a pregnancy symptom?

Just kidding-I'm sure its not, but if it was-I'd be sure that I am!

I know it's just the winter time, but damn I was itching in my sleep last night, I woke up all scratched up!

Monday, December 1, 2008

It's expensive but totally worth it.

ugh.
not today.

The stupid young pregnant chick at my work. She had a 3D sonogram over the weekend, and I got stuck at her desk looking at the video. She said oh let me show you something, "If you ever have a baby you should get this done, it's expensive but sooooo worth it".

Expensive.
OOOh $175.00... Maybe she wants to trade bills with me? I've just spent an amount of money that would blow her away, all for a chance to just ~get~ pregnant, not a mere $175.00 to watch a life kicking around inside of me for an hour.

She is so clueless.

"No Matter What"

That phrase will from now on be the sweetest thing Pat has ever said to me. Sure he's pretty sweet on a daily basis. But last night on the way home from dinner at his parents house. He reminded me (as if I'd forgotten) that we only have to wait 5 more days. And then said he loves me No matter what happens.

I'm feeling pretty anxious right now, and truthfully it's kind of nice living in la la land, the land where I ~could be~ pregnant, I'd rather think that It's possible than know for sure that I'm not.

Of course Patrick think I might be, he says my boobs have gotten bigger, but really I don't see how that's possible they are pretty big anyways!

But I have no symptoms, and if I did i have to just remember that it could be the progesterone that im on.

For now im trying to remain positive and trying to resist the urge to take a home pregnancy test, like I said i kind of enjoy thinking that I ~might~ be pregnant. I don't know if I'm delaying the inevitable but I'm just not ready to be sad again.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Dec 5th

I go for my blood pregnancy test on Dec 5. At 7:30. They normally get their blood results back by 2:30 and make the calls around 3:00.

I don't think I'll be able to focus that day.

Even though I know deep down that the IUI doesn't give us a great chance, I have so much hope, I mean, I know that my body responded well to the meds, (well everything but my eggs) And that I had two perfect follicles. Im doing everything I can to make this happen, so now I just have to wait and see if it does.

Patrick told me last night that he doesn't want to wait 2 weeks to find out....um well you don't have much control over that, it's awesome to see him so excited, but I don't want him to have a broken heart too.

I guess 1 week from Friday, we'll know for sure.

Total Cuteness-

So last night Pat's friend Brian called about going hunting on Thanksgiving, and while they were on the phone he told Pat that his little boy Alex included us in his dinnertime prayers. He prayed for a baby for us.

What an angel.

I immediately teared up when he told me what Brian said, and actually Im tearing up a little now just typing it!

Damn Hormones!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Well here we are

Even though our IVF got cancelled, im still holding out hope that the IUI tomorrow will work! We do have optimal conditions, lining and hormone levels look great, just my egg production sucks!

Last night I gave myself a big shot in the ass ( the last one for now, thank god!) and It was terrifying. My hand was shaking so bad I didn't think i'd be able to do it, Pat could have done it, but it's less scary if I just do it myself. The little stomach shots seem like nothing now compared to that. Pat just kept saying, "you can do it, this one is the baby shot". I really don't know how I'd get through this without him.

Tomorrow is the big day. Im scared and nervous, and excited. Even though I know it doesn't give us much more of a chance than old fashioned baby making at home ( which doesn't seem to work for us, I swear we are doing it right!) It somehow feels so different. I know that if it doesn't work it will be our biggest dissapointment yet, and we'll have to decide what to do next.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Nerves,

I have a doctors appt in the morning, and fuck am I nervous.

I've been taking these meds, and really haven't had many side effects, I guess I should be glad, but that scares me into thinking that they aren't doing what they are supposed to be doing.

I have no idea what to expect to see tomorrow, but god I hope its something in the right direction!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I've been

thinking alot over the last couple of days, about the doctor's appt tomorrow.

As terrified as I am of more bad news. Im really hoping for an end to all this. If I was just told there is no chance of us ever getting pregnant, I feel like I could move on.

I feel like I could make all the other plans that i've been putting off. We could travel more, and learn to be content with our lives for what it is...maybe we could take that 2-3 week cross country vacation we've wanted to take, we could take weekend trips, and visit friends. We could do some remodeling. We could turn that room in our house that was supposed to be a babies room, our babies room. Into something other than a temporary storage/junk/spare bedroom. Maybe into a craft room/project room-so we'll have some space to do all the things we have no room in our house to do.

Im worried that this part of my life will come to a screeching halt tomorrow. I'm terrified that I'll break down sobbing in front of the doctor. I'm worried that Patrick eventually won't want to be with a woman who cant bear his children. I worry about what i'll do with the rest of my life. I worry that i'll never be ok with this. I'll always be bitter and mean, and that pregnant women will always bother me. That watching people with their children will make me feel sad and jealous and alone. That every holiday i'll be reminded of what I don't have instead of what I do. I'm afraid that holding other peoples babies will always be something that is more difficult than anyone knows.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Apparently I'm a clusterfuck of problems

High estrogen, most like caused by the cysts.
High FSH-Still, but she said that doesn't make sense, normally when Estrogen is high, FSH is low and vice versa.
The edometrioma they saw on my ultrasound, most like the beginning of endometriosis.


We meet with the doctor next week for a followup. Hopefully we'll get some kind of diagnosis and a plan of some sort.

I can handle it if I know what I'm dealing with. I'll be able to move on.
It's all this not knowing that is the scariest.

Im special...

I have this ability to grow cysts while on birth control.




I had 1.

Now there is 3.
1 big one. 2 smaller ones. The big one is about 69mm.
The smaller ones are around 30mm.

No wonder I've been having all this pain.

and that's not all.

They saw something else that she said looked like an endometrioma. I have no clue what that is...something to do with the lining. I haven't had a chance yet to google it to death. I'm waiting for my nurse to call me back today. I need some answers. This is so old.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Something fishy is going on

Apparently my neighbors dog had to be taken to the vet, and as it turns out it looks like he was poisoned. As of last night he was still alive, in the vet, but very very sick.

Patrick was out talking to him and our neighbor told Pat what had happened to his dog. Pat then mentioned that Frankie had died out of the blue 2 weeks ago, neighbor then said that their cat was very sick around that time too, and had been taken to the vet.

Turns out the neighbor with the sick dog, doesn't get along with the neighbors that just moved in behind us. Something about his dog ran into their yard when they were moving in and scared the new neighbors kids. I guess the new neighbor and him shared some words.

The police were at my neighbors house talking about it last night.

My poor Frankie-I hate to think that she might have been poisoned.

What kind of monster would poison someone's Pet?

If it turns out to be true-there is going to be hell to pay.

I live in limbo land

Well, I've finished that month of pills. I go Saturday morning to for an ultrasound to see if the cyst is gone.

I don't feel like it is. I'm still having some pain. Hopefully it's at least smaller. I'm prepared to be on the pill for longer, I have a feeling that is what is going to happen. I just hope it's gone, im scared that the doctor will tell me I need to have it removed.

I don't like it, but what choice do I have.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I just want a baby.

Is that too much to ask for?

Apparently it is.

I'm down today, real down. 2 pregnant girls at work is 2 much to take.

I feel useless.

I'm mad cause life sucks and it isn't fair. How mature is that?

I wish I could make myself not want it anymore, then all these horrible feeling might go away.

Next week I should be going back to the doctor's. I don't expect any good news then either, I can't anymore.

I just want to be done with this.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Another one.

Another pregnant woman at work, in my department.

I swear someone up there is fucking with me.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Im cursed.

Really.
Life just sucks right now.

I know I should be thankful for what I do have and yada yada yada.
But im not.

It's just too much and im overwhelmed.

Patrick is starting to feel the same way as I feel, we just keep getting knocked down. Nothing good ever happens for us.

I cant get pregnant no matter hard I try. I've been put on birth control for god knows how long. ( hopefully the cyst will be gone-but with my luck i doubt it) There is a good chance that we'll have to use an egg donor. We'll probably be broke if/when we finally do get pregnant.
And the icing on the cake, My cat died. It just keeps getting worse. I don't even want to speculate what will happen next.

I want to run away and start over. No matter how much I hope for good news, it never happens. I need some, cause I can't fake being happy anymore.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

RIP Frankie




We'll miss you Frankenmonster.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Halfway

Im halfway through my pills!
2 more weeks!

Only 2 more weeks till we find something out-Good or bad. Im ready.

I just hope it's not that the cyst is still hanging around-cause that means more pills and more waiting and doing nothing.

I'm ready to get this show on the road!

Friday, September 5, 2008

1 week down,

3 more weeks of pills to go.

This is going to be the longest 3 weeks of my life.

3 more weeks until I know something, I need some answers no matter what they may be.

Friday, August 29, 2008

And the news is......

Not great.


FSH Level is still high. Abnormally high. It wasn't a fluke.


Damn.

At least I know.


Not sure what's next yet. We have to have a follow up visit with the doctor. I have a pretty large cyst on my right ovary. So I'm going on Birth Control for 1 month to try and shrink it. They'll recheck the cyst when im done with that pack of birth control, and then we'll proceed from there.

Now can I freak out?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I really need

to stop reading the stupid internet, i keep looking up information about low ovarian reserve, and let me just say. None of it is good.

Everything says best chance is Donor Eggs.

I can't handle this. I feel overwhelmed. It's too much. What if it's right, I will never have a baby that would definitely have my blue eyes and curly hair, a little piece of me and Pat. That'll be really hard to let go of.

Hey- I wanted an answer from all this, and I guess i'll be getting it soon.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Friday!

Friday Is the day for my bloodwork, and sonogram.

I don't know when I'll find out the results, probably Tuesday since Monday is a holiday, ugh.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Something is wrong with my body.

Day 1 is today. That makes the last cycle a 24 day one.

Bloodwork on Thursday. I guess i'll find out this week if my FSH level is really that high, or if it was a fluke. God I hope it was a fluke.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I'm angry-

It's just roadblock after roadblock and I cant take much more. It seems like everything is working against us. Maybe it's just not meant to be for us. Maybe we need to give up for a while. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I hardly use my health insurance, seriously I probably put in way more per year than I actually use, and the one time I actually need it, it isn't covered. I don't mind having to pay out of pocket, but the fact that they won't pay for routine testing because it's ordered by the fertility specialist pisses me off.

The clinic told me that they might get paid if my primary doctors will order them. But they won't, I called. I can't say that I blame them, I pretty much stopped going there when my favorite Nurse Practitioner left. I'm hardly their patient. Damn it, I know if she was still there I could get her to order them for me.

I think that we're due for some good news, I hope our luck will turn around soon.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Can a girl catch a break!?

It just gets worse and worse. It's not bad enough that my insurance doesn't cover any infertility treatment, but now I just found out that they won't cover any diagnostic testing either. Which is all the testing that Pat and I both have to get done before we can start treatment, like HIV testing and other Infectious diseases.

I'm going to try to find out what we're in for, but it sounds like its going to be thousands of dollars on top of everything else.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The appointment.

Was informative. MY doctor is wonderful, the nurses are great.

But we did find out something that could potentially be devastating to us. My FSH level is high, abnormally high.

When the doctor mentioned it, I said " So what does that mean?", and he said " well, i'd rather not go into that now I want to retest and make sure, before we talk about it" I guess I looked like I was craving a better answer than that so he said " It can be an indicator of early menopause/low ovarian reserve" and after that I was too shocked to ask anything else.

Which means, we may have to move right to IVF, or it could mean my eggs are no good at all and our best chance is IVF w/ Donor Eggs.

Shit.

So we'll run all the tests again, and we'll keep our fingers crossed something was throwing it off. Please, please, please let that be the case. It will be a couple weeks until they can test me again, so it'll be a long 2 weeks, we have to wait until I get my period again.

Right now, we're planning on starting with an IUI, if it turns out that test was off.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Anxiety-

I've got some major butterflies today. Im so nervous about this appt Wednesday. I can't believe it. It really feels like this is happening to someone else.

This morning as I was taking a shower I realized just how dissapointed this whole process has made me. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I know that not everything works according to plan, but I wanted the life I have + children. It just gets worse and worse, as people around us keep having children, and im still here with empty arms, I know that the longer we struggle with this the harder it gets for my husband too.

Saturday night after we got home from his birthday party, we were talking about everyone's kids, and how you know your getting old when your birthday party has more kids than adults! And he was talking about all the funny things all the kids did and said. And how good they all were, and I just felt really sad. I wanted to ask him if he thought we'd ever have kids of our own. But I couldn't bring myself to say the words. It just seems so unattainable.

It's hard when people ask if we're going to try soon, or say don't wait to long to have kids. We usually tell people we're trying if they ask, but we don't go into details. It's hard when people talk about trying for a specific gender. Don't they know how lucky they are to get anything at all!

I told Pat the other day that im so scared that Michelle is going to get pregnant again before me, I didn't take the news so well the first time, I don't know what my reaction would be this time. I don't think he knew what to say. I really want to ask her when they plan on trying for another. (Who know's they may want them really close together), but I'm so afraid of the answer and putting that added pressure on myself.

I feel like we're getting close to some kind of answer now. It's the beginning of the end. And hopefully the end is a positive outcome.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Ranting.

I have a guilty pleasure of reading People magazine, but articles like this really piss me off.

*The sentence I highlighted in red, is what makes me mad.

Babies
Rebecca Romijn & Jerry O'Connell Are Expecting Twins


Rebecca Romijn and her husband, Jerry O'Connell, are expecting twins, their rep confirms to PEOPLE. The babies are due this winter. A source tells PEOPLE that both babies will be girls. The twins were conceived without the help of in vitro fertilization or the fertility drug Clomid, a source close to the couple also says. PEOPLE, "We're trying to get pregnant." "It would be amazing if it happened," he said, adding that practicing has been "a lot of fun."

**Why do they feel like the need to state that they did not use clomid or in vitro? Did someone ask? Twins aren't that unordinary, and don't warrant an explanation! Does stating that they didn't need help getting pregnant make it better? Why is there such shame associated with infertility! I know that society believes women are here to reproduce, and when someone can't it's because something is "wrong" with them. But do we-the one's who have trouble getting pregnant- need to be made to feel like any baby we do make with help is somehow inferior?

Our society sucks.

There was an article last week in one of the magazines that "Brangelina" did in vitro to get their twins, but no, not because she was having trouble getting pregnant, of course not, but because, they wanted to get it done, and didn't want to go through the stress of having to try to get pregnant. All I have to say to that is Fuck them. Poor you, didn't want the stress, i'll be damned should you have the stress in your perfect little life. And please, like going through in vitro is stress free!! I never really cared for her before, but if that is true and not just some made up trash magazine bullshit, I really think less of them now.

If it's true that they did because they had trouble, then say it. But they can't because it's shameful. If they had trouble, somehow our society sees her as a lesser woman, or maybe Brad's not a "real man", and he couldn't have that image could he?

I understand the shame, you can't do what it seems like the majority of women can do with no problem. Something that supposedly women were born to do. It's hard. It's hard to want something so bad, and hear and see nonsense articles splashed about with no regard for the women suffering from this.

I do hope that someday it wont be something that women are made to feel bad about, we put enough pressure on ourselves when we can't get pregnant, we dont need it from outside sources.

When or if I get pregnant, I'm sure I won't come right out and tell everyone how long it took us or that we needed help, just like I don't just come out and tell the whole world that we are trying now. But I do know if someone asked me why we waited so long or if we needed help, I would tell them. I wont be ashamed of all we went through to get our baby.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Back to reality

Vacations are good. Really good. We just went away Sun-Wed and were home the rest of the time, it was nice to get away but not as relaxing as vacations we've taken in the past. We were busy running around while we were away, and then at home I didn't really feel like I was still on vacation. I feel rested, but not relaxed. Not as relaxed as I would like.

I'm already looking forward to December when I'll be off work again for 11 days. How sad is that!

It's so hard coming back to work after being off, I wish I was independantly wealthy and could live the life we had on vacation all the time.

I still haven't filled out all the forms for the doctor's appt. I really need to do that, i might try to sit down with them tonight and see how far I get, ugh. I don't want to be rushing to get them filled out the day before we have to go!

Even though I feel like it's impossible, I still hope that I'll be pregnant this month, and then we won't have to go to the specialist, and I can call and cancel. And I know that even speaking such a thought will make my period come! It always happens just as the real hope creeps in.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Forms, Forms and more forms.

Holy crap. I got the packet in the mail from the clinic, and there are so many questions and so many forms for both of us to fill out, it's pretty overwhelming. Pamphlets to read, tons of information so that's good. It should help us to get prepared for the appt before we go. But wow, the amount of forms is scary, so many things we have to make decisions about before we even start any treatment. I just kind of put it away for right now, I think I'll deal with it when I have some time to spend on it, and Pat and I can sit down together and go through everything. I have so much to get together before the appt! I'm sure it'll take me the 2 1/2 weeks to fill everything out.

Quiet

It's crazy how quiet my house is when Pat is away, he was away for work overnight last night. It's not the first time, but it's always so weird when he isn't home at night with me. I don't know what I would do if I lived by myself, im sure i'd get used to it. I do enjoy the time to myself, and not having to cook dinner. But I missed him terribly even though it was just 1 night this time.

I'm halfway through the week, getting closer to vacation, yay. I can't wait.
Im also off for 11 days at Christmastime so that will be the next countdown.

Tomorrow's Thursday, I can see the end of the week from here.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

The dreaded Appt is made!

August 13th we'll be meeting with the fertility specialist. At that point it'll be about 16 months of trying with no success for us.
It'll be here before I know it. I'm all at once nervous, scared and excited about it. It's weird because it starts a whole new chapter in this quest for us to get pregnant. I'm scared because I don't know how much it will take to get us pregnant, and i'm scared for definitive answers. Im nervous about the financial aspect of it all. I'm excited about the possibilities it will bring.

I can't believe it's come this far. I'm trying very hard to be content with this part of my life. But it is so hard, everyday I feel differently than I did the day before. Today is an ok day, whatever will be will be. Tomorrow I could feel completely different about it.

We'll be on vacation around the same time I "should" ovulate. Who knows maybe it'll happen for us then. I'm still pretty hopeful for that.

Pat does his part to make me laugh-he said he's going to tell the doctor that he thinks i've been on the pill all this time, just so we would eventually end up going to the specialist, because I want to end up like John and Kate plus 8. Yikes! He is a silly silly man. He then said he would be okay with it if it's enough boys for a hockey team. I feel lucky to have him.

Oh-tomorrow marks 11 years to the day that we met. I can't believe it's been so long. It feels like just yesterday I was 19. Now im almost 30. Where does the time go?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Nothing in particular

So this woman at my work totally went off on the pregnant smoker the other day. I wasn't here I missed it. But I heard about it.

She saw her smoking and told her that she needed to put that cigarette out, what the hell did she think she was doing. She made a choice to get pregnant and now she needs to put the health of her baby first.

I heard about it and went and told the woman good for her. I'm glad someone other than me has said something, I saw her smoking again last week, but I wasn't in the mood to deal with it, so I just ignored her. I wish I would have said something again, she should be made to feel bad.

I don't know why it makes me feel good to know that she has been shamed, maybe its because shes young. Maybe its because she didn't have to try at all to get pregnant, and now it seems as though shes taking it for granted. Maybe i'm just mean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pregnant smoker was talking to someone here at work yesterday about her friend that can't get pregnant, shes been trying " a couple of months" her doctor put her on clomid. I guess the friend told her that the doctor said at the most it just increases her risk of having twins. Apparently the pregnant girl told her " uh uh, that doctor is lying to you, your going to end up with 6 or 7".

I wanted to tell her how unlikely that it with just clomid. It does increase the possibility of you releasing more than 1 egg at a time, but more than that the percentage is really low.

She then went on to say that her friend will have to do IVF, if that doesn't work.
And she'll probably definitely end up with a litter.

Um, even then, it all depends on how many embryos you put back. Sure if you put back 6, then it's possible you'll end up with 6. But not likely that they will all make it.

It just makes me feel bad for her friend that has to listen to her uneducated comments. I don't really know how long this girl has been trying, but I do know how hard it is when people around you make dumb comments, and when pregnancy seems to come so easily for those around you.
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After this week only 2 more weeks till we go on Vacation! Woo hoo!

We STILL don't know where we're going but we've got another week to figure it out =)
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Thursday, June 26, 2008

Relief

I feel better. It's nice not to TRY to get pregnant. The last year has been so full of let downs that it was hard to see anything good ever happening.

But for now I feel like a weight has been lifted. Not trying. Just being. What happens, happens.
I don't know how long this feeling will last but for now it's ok with me. I still am striving for that ultimate goal, and not hoping so hard doesn't mean I want it any less. But for my own sanity I just had to let it go for a little bit, and I feel like for the most part I have.

Monday, June 16, 2008

I dont like Mondays.

Im out of it today. Part of it is that im tired, and I really need a vacation.

The other part is yesterday. All in all a pretty good day, we spent the day at my in laws with my parents, my brother, and all the nephews and neices. It was a nice day outside and it was nice to just sit around and relax. Unfortunately even though I was in a group of people who I know very well, I still felt completely alone. I felt like such an outsider. All the kids running around and I just kept wondering " will we ever be a family?". Listening to my mother talk to my sister in law about the baby and breastfeeding, I just wanted to be anywhere but there. But to get up and walk away would have made me irrational. Listening to pat's sister talk to his mom (which I feel like was for my benefit) about a friend of hers that tried to get pregnant for 2 years who had this test done where they shot dye into her fallopian tubes to see if she's blocked ( it's an HSG I've had one, I could have said that maybe to shut her up, but I kept my mouth shut) after she had it done the doctor told her she had a high chance of conceiving within the next couple of months, and the next month she got pregnant, ( Too bad that didn't work for me, mine was last summer.) Maybe she wasn't saying it to try to get me to say something, but It sure felt like it, especially since no one was even talking about anything remotely near that topic, the story was kind of an "oh by the way" story.


I feel like Pat and I are a family even without children, we've known eachother so long, and are so connected to eachother I can't imagine my life without him. But to most people we aren't a true "family". We are just a "couple". We're two married people with no kids, married too long to be considered newleyweds who just haven't decided to start their family yet. People seem to think that means we could decide not to be together at any moment, but it really wouldn't matter because we don't have any kids whose life would be distrupted.

Sometimes I feel like people don't take us seriously because we don't have kids. They think we have this easy carefree life, and it's just not true. Like we have all the time in the world to just do whatever we want to do. Sure we have alot of time to ourselves, we've had almost 11 years to ourselves. But it's not all fun, ( I know having kids isn't either) and sometimes it's really lonely.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Happiness

Just when I think I'm doing good at keeping my mind off of what I dont have, and trying to feel complete and happy with my life even if that life doesnt include children, at least for right now. I have that dream again. The one where I dream that my sister in law who just had a baby tells me that shes pregnant again. I woke up so sad this morning.



I wanted so badly for my husband to be a father on father's day, or at least have a baby on the way. But that wont happen, and it makes me sad. My hope is that next year, it'll happen. I hate that I have to say the same thing every year. My worry is what happens if it's not next year either.



Im bitter, sad and angry, and the truth is no matter how much I try to be ok-I'm not, not really.



Something is missing, and no matter how much greatness I have in my life, it doesn't make up for it.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Change

It's not often that my horoscope sounds anything like me, but this one for today is right on.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
For Thursday, June 12 -Change is more than good for you right now -- it is absolutely necessary! You've been tossing more than a few bright and fresh new ideas back and forth in your head, and today is a great time to pick one out and start moving forward on it! It doesn't matter whether it's a new career, a fun trip somewhere, a new health regime, or just a new haircut -- moving into a new phase has never felt so right. Taking control of your life is always a good idea.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Nonsense

Now that I'm trying to keep trying to pregnant out of my head. I realize I don't have much to say. I mean I have ALOT to say, but nothing to really talk about. My life isn't very full. And I'm going to work on changing that starting now.

I do have some things that I can look forward to coming up, we're going to a baseball game with our best friends Lea and Bryan at the end of the month. And in July we'll be going on a much needed vacation. But other than that nothing more than the usual day to day activities.

Too much time to think, I need more to do =)

Sunday, June 8, 2008

14 months later, Im throwing in the towel

for now.

I've taken about all I can take. I can't do this to myself anymore. I need a break from trying to get pregnant, so for now, no medication, no charting. Nothing. I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow and get the information for the fertility clinic, but I don't plan on making an appt until late August. I'm at my breaking point. I'm sad about it, but getting my period this month was devastating to me, and I need to take care of myself first.

Ugh. This is hard. I hate that it has come to this.

Friday, June 6, 2008

I might have to find another job.

Cause I can't fucking stand listening to the pregnant girl next to me talk. The sound of her voice gets on my nerves, and everything that comes out of her mouth is ignorant. All she does is complain and if I have to listen to her for another 34 weeks or so I might snap.

Can I get a break? Please? Today of all days, I need a break.

I'm crampy and on the verge of tears. Please let this day end quickly.

I wish I was wrong,

But im not.

I'm not pregnant this time either. Damnit. If not this month then when??? I truly feel like we've done all we can on our own, obviously we are not going to get pregnant without some help. Fuck.

I want to just give up on trying, all it's done so far is break my heart, and I don't know how much more I can take.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Let's just hope Im wrong.

But I don't think I got pregnant this time either. I really hope I'm wrong, but right now all signs point to no. Hopefully I'll know something either way in just a few more days.

The next couple days are going to suck. I was doing so well, but there always comes a point where I lose all hope. I'm still holding onto it a little for right now.

I've got a couple options, my doctor will let me do 1 more month of the clomid at this dose, or she said she'll write up the referral to the specialist and send my chart over to them, I just have to decide what I want to do. On one hand I think why not give it another month maybe that's all I need. On the other I think that we might as well just get started with the specialist, and stop putting it off. Decisions, Decisions.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I wish

It's sad really.

I'm listening to the pregnant girl talk to another woman here about being pregnant. And the woman says " you should consider yourself lucky, some people have a really hard time getting pregnant, your lucky you didn't" and the pregnant girl said "ya I know I have a friend who has been trying for 6 months and hasn't been able to" " I felt so bad when I told her".

Not so bad, kind of nice, a redeeming quality for her since she is so ignorant. Then she goes on to say " I told her she could use my husband to knock her up". "And I told her to just relax, I know that is why it was so easy for us".

There goes the ignorance.

I wish she knew that it's easy to be relaxed in the beginning, when you don't have a care in the world, you don't think that anything may be wrong with you or your husband. You haven't yet begun to feel isolated, alone, despondent, defective and like you having nothing in common with women with children, how you resent every pregnant woman you see, and hate yourself for feeling so selfish. You still have so much hope in the beginning.

It gets taken away from you slowly month after month of not getting pregnant. Listening to people around you say how easy it was, and how their husband could just look at them and they'd be pregnant. You start to wonder what is wrong with you- Maybe you find out what is and maybe you don't, but if your still not getting pregnant nothing matters. It rules your whole world. You know the exact date when your period should come, when you can test, what day you ovulated, what your due date will be if you get pregnant. You have lots of time to wonder if you'll ever get to say to your husband " I'm pregnant" and you know just how you'll tell him IF you ever get the chance. You wonder how much you can take, and why you were chosen for this.
You wonder how many more tests you'll have to have done, and what will be the next step, how much it will cost. You wonder what will happen if none of it works.

It just makes me sad, I know that she has no idea that sitting right next to her is someone that is struggling with her very presence. Everyday. And I know it's not her fault, that the stars aligned just for her and she got her miracle. Exactly when she wanted it. No questions asked.

I'm still hopeful this month and thinking positive for me. But everyday I wish this was easier, and everyday I hope it's my turn. Everyday I wish people understood how hard this gets sometimes.

Monday, June 2, 2008

UGH---It's Monday.

and I'm STILL thinking positively, just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best outcome =)

My only complaint is that I am utterly exhausted! I cannot get enough sleep. I have been tired since Friday. Yesterday I was tired even after I woke up and didn't really do much of anything all day. I can barely keep my eyes open today. Yawn. I think I need to go to bed super early tonite.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Stupid pregnant ungrateful wench.

Nice title huh? I think that's what i'm going to start calling the "girl" at my work that is pregnant, I say girl cause well she's basically a child.

And pissing me off.

I need earplugs.

She's telling everyone about her sonogram today, and showing her picture off. I just keep avoiding her, but I can't avoid hearing her talk-she's telling the woman who sits next to her that her and her husband just got invited to a party tomorrow night, but she doesn't think she can go cause (her words) " People will be smoking alot and drinking, and I don't think I can handle being around all that right now" "I wish I could smoke and drink".

Grow up you fucking twat. That felt good to say, as long as I don't slip and say it out loud one of these times. I'd probably get fired.

Thank God it's Friday!

Thinking happy thoughts---

Is so hard right now!

I hate not being in control. I already ovulated and now I just have to wait. This sucks. I'm trying to stay positive and optimistic, but I feel like i'll be setting myself up for more heartbreak.

If I hope for it enough will I finally get pregnant? I wish it were that easy.

I just keep telling myself to relax. Luckily, I've got some projects and plans this weekend to keep my mind occupied, and hopefully I can make it through next week and end up with some good news.

Please. Please. Please.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Optimistic

I feel good this month. I'm optimistic and can't stop smiling, the thought that this month could actually be the one has me all giddy. Of course I just ovulated, so I won't know anyhing for a while. But I have hope, and for me that is alot. I know that this higher dose of medication worked and we actually really have a chance this time. Wow.

It's gonna be a long hard fall if it didn't. But I'm not going to think about that right now. For now I'm just enjoying the possibility.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Things that annoy me. Part 2**UPDATED**

The girl at my work that got married a couple of weeks ago and said she was going to try and get pregnant on her honeymoon.

She got pregnant on her honeymoon.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me right?

This sucks.

UPDATE
and she's smoking. My god. What an idiot. Shes complaining about her morning sickness, and how she can't have caffeine, and is really craving a hot dog but cant have one.

ugh. I think she'd be better off eating the hot dog instead of smoking the cigarette.

bitch.

whew. I feel better now.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I never promised you a rose garden.







That's how I spent my Saturday morning.




Friday, May 16, 2008

TGIF!!! ~More of the same~

Finally friday. Another week down, I'm desperately needing a weekend of doing nothing at all, and I think this will be the one! I'm in desperate need of a vacation as well, but I have to wait until July for that!

I said before that I was going to try to be more positive and to try not to think so much and worry so much, and so far so NOT good? It doesn't help that yesterday was my 2nd day of taking the Clomid again, and the doctor upped my dosage this time, it makes me so tired, I almost immediately cannot keep my eyes open-and sleep so deeply. When I wake up in the morning i'm STILL tired! Ugh! Then when i'm awake i'm just so hot. The hot flashes are crazy-at least i'll know what to expect for menopause =)

The things that pop into my head irritate me and I wish there was a way to make it stop. This morning I realized that last year I had hoped I would have a baby by this time. Last christmas I thought, well maybe we'll have our baby by next christmas. Well that's not gonna happen. I can only hope now that i'll be pregnant by christmas. Maybe we'll finally have our baby by next christmas 2009!

Last night I had a dream that Patrick brought home one of those baby's first christmas ornaments, but it wasn't for us. It was a gift for the baby that my sister in law is expecting, and that just made me feel so sad.

I just feel so overwhelmed by the time gone by. Pat says we should really only consider that we've been trying since I started taking this medication, because I wasn't ovulating and we were trying with pretty much no chance of getting pregnant. But that fact doesn't take all those months of trying away. All those months I thought we had a chance even though we really had no chance at all.

When my sister in law got pregnant right after they started trying of course I was sad for me-It hurt. In the back of my head I thought I'll be ok, I'll be ok if I can just get pregnant before she has the baby, but that time is approaching (due tomorrow) and I'm still not pregnant.

I just need a break. I need some happiness. I need a miracle!

I wish I could be more positive about this-but when it's happening to you it's hard to see all the good things you have.

I'm lucky I have great family and friends. A wonderful husband. ( I couldn't ask for a better one)
A job I enjoy. But I just want more. I want to have a child. Is that too much to ask for?

I really really hope that it happens soon. I feel like im drowning. I wish I could have the optimism that my mother has, she thinks this higher dosage of the medication will work for us, and we won't have to go to the specialist. That we won't need to move on to other treatments, I truly do hope that she is right. But I feel the need to prepare myself for it.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and trying to be more positive, and wishing and hoping. So far none of this has gotten me anywhere, but I just have to keep thinking that it happens for so many other people, this month could be MY month. That thought itself is enough to keep me going for now.

If this cycle goes according to plan, I should know something by Father's Day-Wouldn't that be the best present ever?

Monday, May 12, 2008

Somethings gotta give

Hope everyone had a great Mother's day. Saturday I took my mom to lunch, then we went to play the slot machines, we didn't really win anything-but hey we didn't lose either. I hope she enjoyed it as much as I did.

Saturday night Pat and Colleen and I went to see the Drive by Truckers at the 930 club. Before the show we went and had some of the best sushi I've had in a while. Yummy. It was a good concert, a little on the long side, especially when your standing, and your so short that all you can see is the back of someone's sweatshirt for 2 hours. I was actually really glad when they were done-then they came back out for the encore-and played for almost another hour! But all in all it was a fun night! Colleen-I'm glad you decided to come!

In other news...
I'm not pregnant. Again.

Suprised? I'm not. I'm brokenhearted, and more than a little numb, but that's expected at this point. Truthfully, I had a lot of hope in my heart for a miracle this month. I feel like it's my turn. But another month of failing proves me wrong.

I've got one more try with the Clomid, i'll start it in a couple of days. If I don't get pregnant this time, I've got to move on to something else. My Doctor said she'll recommend a Fertility Specialist to us, and that will be our next step. It feels like a HUGE step. This is a step that just adds so many more worries to my list of evergrowing worries. My health insurance doesn't cover ANY infertility treatments, NOTHING. (honestly not many of them do, so i'm not alone) Not doctor's visits, not bloodwork, sonograms, and if you've seen the bills for these things when you get your insurance statement you know how much these things can cost. And Infertilty treatment requires ALOT of those things. Alot of money for no guarantees. I wonder how much we can take, Pat says he's on board to do whatever we have to do. But I wonder how far I will go?

I can't help but wonder if i'll ever get to use those baby names that I have just waiting, and hoping no one uses them in the meantime. I can't help but wonder if choices I made in the past are the reason we're going through this now. I can't help but wonder if the room in my house that I think of as the baby's room, will ever have an actual baby in it. If it never happens, will I ever stop being jealous? Will I ever stop having a broken heart? Will I always feel like something is missing?

I think for this month i'm going to try really hard to be positive, i'll just take my medication and do nothing else. No planning, no worrying. Focus my energy on something else. I'm going to plan our vacation, and exercise and wait and see. For now I think that's all I can do.

Although I know very well that this plan may fly right out the window once I see my sister in law holding her brand new baby that's due this week.

I also can't wait to hold and meet their little one, I need to be reminded that it does and can happen, that babies aren't just something that happens to other people.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Weekend & Butterflies

We had a great weekend, we had company all weekend so it gave us a chance to do some things that we wouldn't do on a normal weekend if it was just the two of us.

We went to the Butterfly Pavilion at the Smithsonian and it was awesome! They are so beautiful!

Then we went to see U2 IMAX 3D and it was pretty cool, movie concerts aren't really my thing but it was pretty cool to see.











After the movie we went to dinner and had tapas, then walked to the Lincoln memorial. Sunday we met my husbands family for brunch, after that our company left and we went home and crashed. It was an exhausting weekend, but a good distraction for me.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

A new me?

I'm wondering how you break out of the same routine? How you change who you are. And the things that you do. It's so easy to just be. To just maintain who you are, to never change.

There are so many things I want to do, I want to travel more. I want to be more positive. I want to start exercising. I want to be a healthier person inside and out, more well rounded, more outgoing, more self assured. But how do you get there? How do you break the feeling that you cant?

That's always been my problem, I'm too afraid to fail to even try, and in the back of my mind I always think "i'll wait to find out if i got pregnant this month, and if not i'll start seriously exercising and dieting and just working on me". But I never do it. I lack the follow through. I wait to long before I start thinking about it again and go through the same scenario in my head month after month.

I know I just have to do it.

So today i'm going to start small. I'm going to call the yoga studio and see what they offer for classes, then I don't have to make any long term commitment, and i'll be exercising, and maybe I'll find it relaxing.

I need to find a way to reduce the stress that i'm holding in.

Things that annoy me-Part 1

I say part 1-cause, well alot of things annoy me and i'm sure there will be more.

*I was enjoying my sunday paper reading ritual and started to read the parade magazine, on the cover was easy meals for 2. I'm thinking oooh great i'm always looking for new ideas for dinner, and cooking for 2 is a pain in the ass. So I flip to the page, and the quote from the woman who wrote the article was something like " Whether your newleyweds or empty nesters, these recipes will be great for you".

and i'm thinking to myself..."well, what if your neither" =)

*People who ask how long you've been married and then say "oooh, almost 6 years, and no kids?" ( this did come from the biggest a-hole at my work) after he walked away my friend at the desk next to me said...."why would somebody say something like that, wouldn't you just assume that if someone has been married almost 6 years and dont have any kids that A- they either dont ever want kids, or B-they are having some trouble getting them". "And if that was the case why would you ever ask?"

*The girl at my work who got married last week, before she left on wednesday she let everyone know that they were going to try to get pregnant on their honeymoon.
-ugh.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of feeling sooo helpless. I'm tired of trying so hard to get pregnant. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to go back on the pill and give up, heck I probably wouldn't even have to go back on the pill since I don't ovulate on my own. I just feel so lost.

This month i'll either get my period or find out if i'm pregnant around Mother's day. Lucky me. Last month I got my period the day before my sister in law's baby shower. I'm just imagining a really tough day, a day where I'll celebrate my mom and all the mommy's I know, while my own heart is breaking inside.

I know it could also be an unbelievable day, the day that i've been waiting for for so long. It just feels like a longshot, and it's easier to believe the worst, I can't get my hopes up anymore, It just wrecks me too much.

I keep having dreams that startle me....dreams about babies. The other night I could see this babies face so clearly, dark straight hair, big blue penetrating eyes, big chubby cheeks. (looked nothing like my or my husband) I dreamed that I was holding her and rocking her, and singing to her (poor baby!) but I knew she wasn't mine. Then when I woke up I just felt so empty.

I dreamt that my brother and sister in law gave birth to their baby, then a few weeks later told us they were pregnant again.

I keep dreaming that friends of ours are pregnant.

I dreamt that I was an old lady, and alone.

Today I just feel alone and sad. Nothing left to do but wait to find out if I got pregnant this month.

I guess on this last day of April-I'm looking ahead to what May will be like, A day of celebration of mothers ( a club I am not a part of) but want so badly to be. The week after that my newest neice will be born. A baby that will remind me what I am working so hard for, what I cry so much for. A baby that will remind me that i've been trying so hard since before her parents were married, before they started trying and got pregnant. A baby that reminds me how easy it is for some and how hard it is for others. A baby that reminds me of all the months gone by.

I'm tired of this emotional ride and im tired of the fear that it'll never happen-that my husband and I will never have our family. I'm tired of wondering what the rest of our life will be like. I've never imagined my life without children, without a family. And now im beginning to imagine it, and it looks lonely.